For the last year and a half, two years I've been in the shadow of my melodramatic relationship that led me to believe that no one could ever love me and my image of myself. I have been cutting myself off from people and never letting anyone in close enough to judge me, to see me in fear of their hatred.
Ever since 3rd grade, I've had acne. Ever since 3rd grade I've felt different. Being in school with no one else like you is hard, you keep looking for someone who isn't there. Someone who never shows their acne ridden face. All was well and in 6th grade I started wearing concealer because I was then allowed, and most people still didn't have acne. In 7th grade I fell hopelessly in lust with a boy. I got medicated for my cystic acne, my medical condition, and at that point he fulfilled my greatest dreams, he wanted to be with me. I remember that night so clearly. How I almost threw up in Annie's bathroom upstairs. How I decided to be perfect for him. That night will forever be remembered in my mind because of my skin.
Our relationship ended leaving me heart broken and in a huge slump. Not soon after that, my acne started to act up again, I was seeing myself as less and less perfect. I kept measuring myself up to this impossible to reach standard and so I was constantly falling short. Feeling not good enough for anyone, I felt like I could only truly be happy if I was perfect, if my skin was perfect.
I then gradually started to shut myself away from all my friends, all the people who treated me nicely and cared about me...who I cared about. I didn't want anyone to see this imperfect me.
My skin has only gotten worse. Under these three layers of foundation and two concealers I put over my acne everyday, there is hardly any place on my face I can point to and have no acne. There are no words to describe how it feels to hide your face from everyone every single day of your life.
The other day I walked up to the front of Band class where many people were trying to get a few sheets of blank sheet music. There were at least ten other boys surrounded by my once naive thought to be love holding the last sheet. He just looked at me, handed me the sheet music and said, "Ladies first."
Those two words and one action has caused me to attempt to turn my life around. I am finally ready to forgive my old love for leaving me in the dark and more importantly forgive myself for not being perfect and attempting to accept myself for who I am. Be that loud and talkative or acne ridden. I am going back on medication not for a boy, not for the way people will look at me, but for the betterment of myself. It is going to be a hard and long journey to accepting myself and trying to be happy again, but it will be worth it when I reach the end of the road.
I miss the people I cared about so deeply. And if they would forgive me for not being there for them for so long, for not there to listen and to cry with them, it would mean the world to me.
I am making a blog about my second Accutane journey and about learning how to love myself for the imperfections that consume me and that make me the real person that I am. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.